Negative Nancy

Jenni says:

It's pretty early in the morning, but I've been lying awake thinking too much so I thought I may as well post.

Yesterday morning I woke up early as usual, went to the bathroom, and there was blood on the tissue. I was really disappointed. I sat there for a bit, not one to cry easily, but wondering if I should knock off a sniffle of feeling totally bummed out. I was also running the "what if's" through my head. It was a little weird, getting my period two days early. I always, like clockwork, get it the night of day 28 and then in full force the morning of day 29. I don't think I have deviated from that pattern since December, when I got it the morning of the 24th, instead of the evening. (I'm that regular that a "difference" like that sticks out in my mind!)

So I was thinking, what if it's some sort of spotting/other symptom/not my period...so that's when I decided the only thing to put myself at ease would be to pee on a stick. We had just bought one the night before, some sketchy Guatemalan-brand one that promises 99.9% accuracy!! Don't they all. Anyway, the instructions were in Spanish, and we had difficulty understanding the conservative nature of the wording. What pregnancy test refuses to use the word "period" or "cycle day" or "conception"? It said, use up to 7 days after "the day you think you have become pregnant." We thought maybe this would be 7 days after the day of ovulation. I thought maybe they meant 7 days after your first day of missed period, but with instructions like that it was guesswork anyway.

Yesterday I peed on the conservative stick and it was negative. I wasn't surprised, as I had just had what I assumed was period-startings, but I was still disappointed. Not even a hint of another line. Just one singular, solid "not this time" line.

That being said, I am ashamed to admit I have a 1% feeling of hope. This morning, there was no blood, which, if yesterday was period day 1, has never, in my life, happened before. I like to joke with Anai--the joys of same-sex understanding partners--that day 2 is Dexter Day for me. (Bloody horror show for those of you who don't get the reference). But today, nothing. So I am clinging to a tiny, ridiculously misguided, hope. That the sketchy test was wrong. That the bleeding was...something else, some other symptom, and that today later on, it doesn't just resurge into the regular way of being and I get my tiny, ridiculous, 1% chance hope snuffed out.

I feel more weight on my shoulders just writing about my hope. Does anyone get the feeling that writing or saying something means it won't come true? That by mentioning my tiny hope, I cement its demise? Well, I had to say it. I sleep badly as it is, so, I'll hold off on my sad vodka binge until that 1% hope goes away. And I hope with fingers crossed, that the hope only grows.