Mixed Emotions

Jenni says:

I'm struggling with a lot of feelings right now, and I think a lot of them are compounded by the fact that I am sick, tired, and mostly... homesick.

I still have a cough, and have been having a lot of headaches. I think a lot of this is due to the weather here: very hot and muggy, then cold and rainy, and so very very smoggy. I have had way too many sunburns, and I seem to never be the "right" temperature. I am always too hot, or weirdly moist but kind of hot/cold, or uncomfortable generally.

I am so very excited that my wife is pregnant! But I was rather blindsided by a lot of sad feelings for myself. I didn't know I would be anxious and feel forgotten in the tide of happiness. Swirling around in my head is the thought that we can, or should, just go home after my second try, regardless of if it works or not.

That's not the plan, but I am discouraged right now, and the thought of being home is vastly tempting. We already have a baby (babies?) that it suddenly seems unimportant for me to be pregnant, even though it's something I want very badly.

But I think to myself that I could be home, safe, comfortable, and happy. Not that I don't cycle through those things here in Guatemala, I just don't have them all at once it seems. Nothing beats your own house. I miss my dog and my family. My garden and my own cooking. We have been gone a month, and to think of being away for another month just seems unbearable.

I am struggling with this very much. The want to go home. But having to give up on my last try to do so. Of course, I am hoping with everything I am that it works for me this time, but I can't help but doubt it. Anai will support me whatever decision I make, but right now, I don't think I have it in me to be here another month.

My ultrasound appointment is tomorrow, Anai's blood test confirmation of pregnancy is tomorrow too. I will have to decide in the coming days what I truly want most. I didn't think it would be such a difficult choice. Wish us luck.