Have the Heart to Try Again

Jenni says:

Well as you may have been able to tell from the last post I wrote, I had been pretty down the last few days. The homesickness combined with some sad news really hit me hard yesterday.

As I mentioned before, I had decided to take Femara, a fertility drug, despite some of the apprehensions I had about it. I started it on cycle day three, and continued for five days. I felt some side effects, mostly sleeplessness and dizziness as well as a general feeling of wow this is shitty. But since it was a good chance, I tried to reign in how awful I felt and was really looking forward to seeing how well the pills worked. Would there be an ok number of follicles? What if there were too many?

But on my appointment, the ultrasound revealed that in fact, nothing had worked at all. I was completely resistant to the medications. I had one follicle, on the left side, exactly the same as last month. Hearing that was very upsetting. All that time, money, side effects...and my body did exactly the same as it wanted to. One follicle. Not even a second smaller one in sight.

After that appointment, Anai and I cried at a coffee shop. It was very overwhelming; having made a decision to try medications and knowing this was so important, it was a lot to digest. I would only have the "regular" chance of conception. The same as any spontaneous cycle.

It was (still is) difficult. Why me? Why would I fall into the 1% of hormone resistant people? When I didn't get a positive on my 15% chance of conceiving last month? But we talked a lot about it, and I had a good chat with my sister, and we decided we should still stick with the plan. Try again, even if we have a regular chance.

I had the procedure today, and I had to laugh when the doctor brought in a practicum student. (Nice to meet you...I am not wearing pants and am laying on paper...) why me? But I am taking this ridiculous universe shit in stride now. Why me? Why not? Screw it, bring on the drug resistances and weirdo students. Sure, why not?!

We decided it can't get much worse. There's only up from here. If I don't get pregnant, we have Anai and baby poppy seed. If I am resistant to drugs, we have another try after this. If the sky falls, we will deal with that too.

I am on my next two week wait. In 8 days we see if Anai and poppy seed are poppy seeds. Twins? Only the ultrasound will tell and I am excited to know. I will roll with the punches and try my best to think positive (even if I am a skeptic) and we will see in two weeks. Thanks for the positive thoughts and well wishes. I have definitely needed them.

always up!