The Canadians

Anai says:

I have been feeling like two different people these days. Well maybe not exactly, maybe I feel like two different states of me. The most overwhelming is the joy I feel for having started my pregnancy. We've spent a lot of our time reading up about what is happening to my body and how, who we are affectionately calling Poppy, is progressing. They are no longer the size of a Poppy seed but has stretched out to the size of a sesame seeds and has a creepy not-face developing. Poppy also has a sort of brain and a heart beat. One we will get to hear in an ultrasound within just a few days. Our appointment will also rule out the possibility of twins and probably make this feel all the more real.

I don't always feel pregnant. However, every once in a while it creeps up on me and slaps me in the face. Like how yesterday I cried because Jenni left me hanging during a high five and when I discovered about a dozen tiny skin tags popping up in a bunch of different places. Those moments make this feel real and though I had a panic attack about the tags and Jenni had to spoon me until I calmed down, they have brought me an unimaginable happiness.

Then there's a part of me that it very down. I love my birth country very much. It is a wonderful  place that can show off it's beauty despite it's short comings. Even when things seem like they are so wrong, the gorgeousness of its people and its landscape strives. I've always seen that, I have always felt pride of having been born here and lived a few years of my life here. Yet the times I have returned as an adult, I have failed to find a home here. I don't know what changed. Was it me? Or was it my country?

Whatever the change, I cannot seem to find a way back. I am in Panajachel now. It's a lovely little town where my parents started raising their young family. It sits at the shore of Lake Atitlan which even in photographs is breath taking. Being here is the closest I have gotten to comfortable and has always had that affect on me. It is what my grandparents home used to.

I fear that my own disassociation with Guatemala has made it impossible for Jenni to find a place here. How can she fit in when I have outgrown mine? It feels like the open arms are not long enough to embrace us. As a normally timid person, who has to exert a large amount of energy to open up or even hold conversations, I feel like every time I have reached my arms out to close the distance I come out miserably short as well.

Part of the problem is that my family here doesn't know me. My short comings have come across as cold and distant. My efforts have been lost to them. They labeled my wife and I as cold Canadians and have removed the Guatemalan part of me I want so much to reclaim. It is something I want so badly for my children to have. It is the reason we came here to start our family.

On our earlier trips, I thought the crowd had drowned us out and that the excitement of having the whole family arrive together overwhelmed the opportunity to shine as an individual. I thought this time would be different and Jenni and I would be able to connect. I don't know where to go from here.

I want to focus of my little growing family. I want to attend to Jenni and our own journey. It is my responsibility to maintain our state of being and ride the ups and downs of fertility treatments. I want to be the most supportive and strong as I can be and maybe that makes there be three versions of me these days.

The most overwhelming of all is my joy and my urge to keep our dreams for our family inline. My hopes for my time here in Guate are now torn. If I knew how to best tackle it I might be able to move forward. I recognize that it is not all in my hands and that it cannot be as helpless at it seems. But for now, while it's just Jenni and me enjoying Panajachel, I will let it lie. I will focus on our slow going TWW and making plans for Poppy and their siblings and give my wife lots of kisses.

Have the Heart to Try Again

Jenni says:

Well as you may have been able to tell from the last post I wrote, I had been pretty down the last few days. The homesickness combined with some sad news really hit me hard yesterday.

As I mentioned before, I had decided to take Femara, a fertility drug, despite some of the apprehensions I had about it. I started it on cycle day three, and continued for five days. I felt some side effects, mostly sleeplessness and dizziness as well as a general feeling of wow this is shitty. But since it was a good chance, I tried to reign in how awful I felt and was really looking forward to seeing how well the pills worked. Would there be an ok number of follicles? What if there were too many?

But on my appointment, the ultrasound revealed that in fact, nothing had worked at all. I was completely resistant to the medications. I had one follicle, on the left side, exactly the same as last month. Hearing that was very upsetting. All that time, money, side effects...and my body did exactly the same as it wanted to. One follicle. Not even a second smaller one in sight.

After that appointment, Anai and I cried at a coffee shop. It was very overwhelming; having made a decision to try medications and knowing this was so important, it was a lot to digest. I would only have the "regular" chance of conception. The same as any spontaneous cycle.

It was (still is) difficult. Why me? Why would I fall into the 1% of hormone resistant people? When I didn't get a positive on my 15% chance of conceiving last month? But we talked a lot about it, and I had a good chat with my sister, and we decided we should still stick with the plan. Try again, even if we have a regular chance.

I had the procedure today, and I had to laugh when the doctor brought in a practicum student. (Nice to meet you...I am not wearing pants and am laying on paper...) why me? But I am taking this ridiculous universe shit in stride now. Why me? Why not? Screw it, bring on the drug resistances and weirdo students. Sure, why not?!

We decided it can't get much worse. There's only up from here. If I don't get pregnant, we have Anai and baby poppy seed. If I am resistant to drugs, we have another try after this. If the sky falls, we will deal with that too.

I am on my next two week wait. In 8 days we see if Anai and poppy seed are poppy seeds. Twins? Only the ultrasound will tell and I am excited to know. I will roll with the punches and try my best to think positive (even if I am a skeptic) and we will see in two weeks. Thanks for the positive thoughts and well wishes. I have definitely needed them.

always up!

Mixed Emotions

Jenni says:

I'm struggling with a lot of feelings right now, and I think a lot of them are compounded by the fact that I am sick, tired, and mostly... homesick.

I still have a cough, and have been having a lot of headaches. I think a lot of this is due to the weather here: very hot and muggy, then cold and rainy, and so very very smoggy. I have had way too many sunburns, and I seem to never be the "right" temperature. I am always too hot, or weirdly moist but kind of hot/cold, or uncomfortable generally.

I am so very excited that my wife is pregnant! But I was rather blindsided by a lot of sad feelings for myself. I didn't know I would be anxious and feel forgotten in the tide of happiness. Swirling around in my head is the thought that we can, or should, just go home after my second try, regardless of if it works or not.

That's not the plan, but I am discouraged right now, and the thought of being home is vastly tempting. We already have a baby (babies?) that it suddenly seems unimportant for me to be pregnant, even though it's something I want very badly.

But I think to myself that I could be home, safe, comfortable, and happy. Not that I don't cycle through those things here in Guatemala, I just don't have them all at once it seems. Nothing beats your own house. I miss my dog and my family. My garden and my own cooking. We have been gone a month, and to think of being away for another month just seems unbearable.

I am struggling with this very much. The want to go home. But having to give up on my last try to do so. Of course, I am hoping with everything I am that it works for me this time, but I can't help but doubt it. Anai will support me whatever decision I make, but right now, I don't think I have it in me to be here another month.

My ultrasound appointment is tomorrow, Anai's blood test confirmation of pregnancy is tomorrow too. I will have to decide in the coming days what I truly want most. I didn't think it would be such a difficult choice. Wish us luck.

Two Weeks Down... Forty to go!

Anai says:

Yesterday we made an impromptu decision to go to Antigua. It's only forty five minutes away from the Capital. My grandfather had a business meeting so we caught a ride with him. We booked a nice little hotel just off the main square. It has a beautiful garden, the bed is perfectly firm and the pillows just right. We had an pretty tasty meal last night on a Terrance with a moonlight view of the volcanoes and cathedral and arch. We barely touched the subject that tomorrow (which is now today) we planned to take an at home pregnancy test.

It seems that the theme of this trip is, don't sleep well the night before something important. I'm still fighting a cough and Jenni was lucky enough to re-catch the cold we have been fighting. We were a perfect duet of hacking as the early hours of the morning approached. Jen eventually got up and took some Nyquil, it calmed her or should I say zonked her out way passed our free continental breakfast.

I, on the other hand, was awake early. The thought of the wait being over was looming over me. I could get my results any minute, as soon as Jenni wakes up, I kept telling myself. I knew the darling needed her rest. I entertained myself by watching a telenovela (Spanish soap opera) and cooling my families heels as they whatsapp'ed about my upcoming pee test. It was a fun morning, I enjoyed both immensely.

Once Jenni was awake, we decided to take a shower, and discuss the best time to take the test as we did. It wasn't until we were about to get in that I admitted to holding in my pee all morning for the test. I probably shouldn't have held my pee in for so long because admittedly my steam was quite powerful and I managed to make a bit of a mess.

We put the test down and left it on the vanity. We stood outside of the shower discussing the results. The allowed three minutes must have passed we thought shortly after and we checked it....

The control line was strong but really blurry, the results window completely blank. We laughed. I had peed all over the damn stick. After all that tension we got anticlimactic results. We had to go buy another test because I ruined the damn thing. We threw it out and jumped into the shower. Once we were out we thought we should tell my family, who we have been keeping in touch with in a group chat.

We shared the story, still laughing at ourselves. My sister asked for photo evidence so I went back to the bathroom and fished the test out of the garbage can. I had my phone camera ready and when I flipped the stick over I saw it clearly. A faint pink line is the results window, a positive. I called out to Jenni twice. She says she thought I was whining about getting pee on my hands but when she rounded the corner she knew. I handed her the test and the tears started flowing from both of us freely. We laughed and cried and hugged and kissed. It will be always one of my most cherished moments.
I called my mom, father and sister and brother. Everyone got extremely emotional.

Jen looked up our due date and we got a few different answers. One thing she did read was that our baby is right now the size of a poppy seed. I thought that was so neat. So Jen took me and what will now be known as baby Poppy for now to lunch, to celebrate our first triumph.

One down, one to go.

Vacation within Vacations

Jenni says:

we are headed off on another impromptu adventure. Anai pees on a stick tomorrow (!!) and I have started to take Femara. It was with much internal struggle that I came to that conclusion, as it isn't a drug that you are able to use for fertility in Canada. But here, it seems common and our doctor said that he has had better results with it, rather than Clomid which he is less familiar with. So I decided to give it a shot and I am on cycle day five, and Femara day two. Fingers crossed that this works out for me this time.

Anyway, our adventure now takes us to Antigua. (Old Guatemala) we decided about an hour ago that we should go as I have until the 18th to go back to the doctor and find out how my follies did on Femara. Coincidentally, Anai's grandfather told us at lunch that he was headed there. Today! So instead of waiting until tomorrow, we are going to go tonight and have a vacation within our vacation. We are looking forward to some relaxation with just the two of us, and finding out our results.

More later :)

Speak of the devil and She will come.

Anai says:

It was with some relief that Jen got her period on the 28th day of her cycle. It doesn't sound like much but those two days before were quite emotionally loaded. Even if the unknown held hope for a pregnancy, the known calmed us greatly. The disappointment brought sadness but came with a tranquility that the two week wait makes you crave. Yet, it's hard to make sure that disappointment doesn't true into feeling disheartened. But I'm sure that's just the way it goes with these things.

You can't help but have your it break when you put your whole heart into something.

I've gone from being certain that I was pregnant to feeling like oh shit what if I am not. From even before the procedure I was sure that this was it for me. I have this out of nowhere gut feeling that I am the most perfect fertile person. Other than being quite regular and twenty five years old I have nothing to back this thought process.

I don't feel any bit pregnant. I let some stomach pains get to my head. This must mean I'm pregnant. It must be it and God pregnancy is awful. The feeling was fleeting and more than likely part of this horrific cold that I still have. There's no way to feel pregnant right now, no matter how much people say they knew they were pregnant the moment it happened.

The doctor himself said there are no symptoms in the first two weeks. Morning sickness itself doesn't usually occur until four weeks in. Symptom spotting is a load of stress and that's all. I don't feel pregnant and it is starting to get to me.

We can't both have negative results. It would change our moods substantially. The optimism needed for this is stressful. Trying not to stress is also stressful. That's the nature of stress and it sucks.

I think it is mostly because we are home sick. Jen misses English and my brain misses it too. We miss or bed and our dog. Every time I think about my mother I have to hold back some tears. The sooner we get pregnant  the sooner we cam make our way back to the place we love and need. It's under your own blankets, in your own house that you can let all your stress go.

Not to say we haven't had a some really nice times lately. Yesterday was Mother's day. My aunt brought me and Jenni some beautiful lilies from her garden as a gift for Mother's to be. Then we drove to Tecpan, where the oldest Mayan city once lay. The ruins were wonderful. The ground had grown around them and the trees had made their root beds within the tallest stone structures. Everyone was having picnics and lying around in the shade like if it was just any sort of park. It was the perfect environment. Apart from watching these two adorable sisters dancing and running to one another, I didn't think of the babies we might have.

Negative Nancy

Jenni says:

It's pretty early in the morning, but I've been lying awake thinking too much so I thought I may as well post.

Yesterday morning I woke up early as usual, went to the bathroom, and there was blood on the tissue. I was really disappointed. I sat there for a bit, not one to cry easily, but wondering if I should knock off a sniffle of feeling totally bummed out. I was also running the "what if's" through my head. It was a little weird, getting my period two days early. I always, like clockwork, get it the night of day 28 and then in full force the morning of day 29. I don't think I have deviated from that pattern since December, when I got it the morning of the 24th, instead of the evening. (I'm that regular that a "difference" like that sticks out in my mind!)

So I was thinking, what if it's some sort of spotting/other symptom/not my period...so that's when I decided the only thing to put myself at ease would be to pee on a stick. We had just bought one the night before, some sketchy Guatemalan-brand one that promises 99.9% accuracy!! Don't they all. Anyway, the instructions were in Spanish, and we had difficulty understanding the conservative nature of the wording. What pregnancy test refuses to use the word "period" or "cycle day" or "conception"? It said, use up to 7 days after "the day you think you have become pregnant." We thought maybe this would be 7 days after the day of ovulation. I thought maybe they meant 7 days after your first day of missed period, but with instructions like that it was guesswork anyway.

Yesterday I peed on the conservative stick and it was negative. I wasn't surprised, as I had just had what I assumed was period-startings, but I was still disappointed. Not even a hint of another line. Just one singular, solid "not this time" line.

That being said, I am ashamed to admit I have a 1% feeling of hope. This morning, there was no blood, which, if yesterday was period day 1, has never, in my life, happened before. I like to joke with Anai--the joys of same-sex understanding partners--that day 2 is Dexter Day for me. (Bloody horror show for those of you who don't get the reference). But today, nothing. So I am clinging to a tiny, ridiculously misguided, hope. That the sketchy test was wrong. That the bleeding was...something else, some other symptom, and that today later on, it doesn't just resurge into the regular way of being and I get my tiny, ridiculous, 1% chance hope snuffed out.

I feel more weight on my shoulders just writing about my hope. Does anyone get the feeling that writing or saying something means it won't come true? That by mentioning my tiny hope, I cement its demise? Well, I had to say it. I sleep badly as it is, so, I'll hold off on my sad vodka binge until that 1% hope goes away. And I hope with fingers crossed, that the hope only grows.

Sun, Sand, Sunburns, Mosquito Bites and Impatient Natures

Jenni says:

 

I present to you, the blessing of having "Omg you're so tasty" written all over me in mosquito language. This is just a small selection of the damage. Overall, I'd guess I have somewhere around 40-50 bites, 12 of which are on this one foot.

 

I also managed to get a sunburn on my forehead (!!!) of which, a picture will not be included in this post, for obvious embarrassment reasons. Sidenote, did you know that the best Guatemalan remedy for sunburn is to powder you with cornstarch? True. Can't say it didn't work--can't say it did work, but at least I'm less shiny?

But overall, our trip to El Salvador was really very lovely. We spent a lot of time doing a lot of nothing, lazing around the pool, eating, walking the beach, watching the sunset, watching Indecent Proposal for the first time ever for both of us (I would like those hours of my life back please).

It was nice to spend time with just us, and the pool, and read and relax. And through treatments including a lot of Vicks Vapor Rub, Halls and some kind of strange Anti-Cold & Flu tea, my cold has managed to transfer from me to Anai. Sorry, love. I hope that she recovers faster than I did, as it was a solid 6 day cold.

We purchased a pregnancy test today, and I am killing myself thinking about if I should just pee on it already. I have three days until I am "supposed" to check and see if anything is going on, and 2 days until my period would most likely show it's ugly head if nothing is going on. The doctor told me to wait until two days after I missed my period before doing a test, but it's called a "Two Week Wait" not a "Two Week and Two More Excruciating Days Wait" so I made my goal to wait until Saturday, the day my period was supposed to come.

I have never been late. I have been early, by a day, usually always even though I ovulate on the same day (almost) every month. I don't know why, but it's as if I have a 28 day cycle with a 29 day ovulation prediction. So I usually get Aunt Flo like clockwork on the evening of day 28. I am not one of those girls who can anticipate it coming or not. I never get pre-cramps, or bloating, or any other feelings. I just that it's there, and then day 2 is the cramping from hell, and then we carry on the usual way So I don't really have that pre-emptive "I know I'm not pregnant because I feel PMS-y" thing going on. If it comes, it will blindside me as usual.

But seriously, sitting here thinking about it is worse. I wonder if there's much difference between Friday night and Saturday morning. Couldn't I just do the test on Friday night and it's the same as Saturday? But then I am pushing it back too many days. I think I should try to finish out the two weeks properly. But it's obviously harder the closer you are to the end of the weeks. I hope that I can make it to Saturday, or even wait until Sunday (what an idea!). My doctor's appointment is Monday, to do blood work, if I haven't got a visit from AF by then.

Other than a lot more waiting, and scratching, and some peeling skin, things are going well. I wish I could just sleep until it was time, and then find out the answer. It also is a little--OK a LOT--ironic that I will find out the results for Mother's Day. Yikes, pressure much??

My 1st exposure to Sperm... and Rabies.

Anai says:

A laughing fit got in the way of a successful butt poke. My ass was out as I was face down chewing the bed sheet with Jenni was leaning over me. It might have been the nerves or the fact that at any moment any conversation my wife and I are having can take a turn for hysteria, but we couldn't go through with it. We called my Abuelita into the room (everyone who heard about the LH Surge injection raved about her capabilities with a needle). She said she would show us how to do it and was coaching Jenni. She said you have to get the blood moving by pinching/slapping the skin. As she demonstrated she poked me, completely without warning.
Thanks Grandma.
Either way it went well. It still felt sore in the injection site for a few days after but all in all the shot worked out exactly the way we planned it. At my ultrasound on Thursday, three of the five possible follicles that were in the running to become babies had reached mature size. Three being the magic number as that was the max we were willing to have to go forward with the insemination. (um hi, 20% chance for twins here.)
We had to get up before the sun the morning of the insemination. My appointment was a nine am and we had to get there an hour early to sign the paperwork. It that stated the sperm they were defrosting was indeed the one meant for us. It seemed pretty important so we arranged to be picked up at my grandparent's house by my cool veterinarian aunt.   We were running on what I will call zero sleep. There was a magnificent thunderstorm lighting up the sky, that simmered only for a an hour around two am and then returned at full force right after. I know this because I was up all night.
It had nothing to do with nerves and more to do that Jen was busy dying of phlegm and cough attacks.
We positioned ourselves on the bed so that the big window in the room was like a big screen and we watched the lighting light up the sky so brightly that we could see the details in the leaves on the threes. So even though we were tired it was also a beautiful sight. There isn't a rainy day that passes without me having to exclaim that I love the rain. It wasn't too bad until we had to get up and moving and ready for the big day part two.
We were sleepy and exhausted and the world of traffic made it so that, dropping off my cousins at the university, solely unlocking the doors at the Vet Clinic and getting to the Doctor's office took two and a half hours. We arrived right on time to our appointment only to be told that the doctor had been in a car accident and would be arriving who knows when.
I wasn't surprised that there was a accident since every time we leave the house we are surrounded by terrifying near misses. I would keep a running tally but I might start giving myself nightmares (wait I already had one) We've been rear ended twice already anyways.
The wait lasted almost three hours, during which my Jenni was dwindling in health and becoming increasingly hangry and I was trying not to freak out that I could ovulate at any minute and my that my five follicles would mature at any moment as well. The Doc had a few stitches on his hand but seemed as calm and collected as ever. Always friendly, he greeted us and the procedure went underway.
I'm going to go into the details because that's just me.
The speculum the lady had laid out for the Doctor was plastic, he immediately scorned her for giving it to him. He's a metal guy apparently, and I soon learned why. There's no KY (his words). It, apparently, is no good for this procedure. So it has to go in just as is. My damn cervix is a little to the side (I knew this already from previous pap tests.) but it was never a problem. But since IUI means intrauterine insemination, the Doctor needed a look at my lopsided cervix. So the damn speculum was being twisted about and I was trying not to make a scene (and squeeze Jen's hand off) but it was passed uncomfortable. Doctor Salguero finally gave up and ordered the metal speculum. I was relived but also upset that it wasn't over and that it was all for nothing. From there everything else went well. The insemination feels like getting a needle but without the pain, you just feel it move in deeper. It's strange to feel your insides. The only part that hurts is that you get immediate cramping that hurts from your ovaries to your ribs and the pain lasts for most of the day.
It certainly isn't nice. But I prefer it to getting a filling.
The Doctor set my next appointment to May 16th. Five days after Jen's. If we are pregnant we might skip the blood test. I don't know why. Maybe because it's hell to even try to get to that part of town. If we have to go again for a second attempt those will be the dates of our first ultrasounds.  I don't feel any different into my second days of my TWW. I feel like just me and paunch just like any other day. Yet I am optimistic. There we no signs of possible disturbances and for that Jen and I decided to celebrate and eat a giant lunch.
We planed on going to this delicious looking burger shop we pass by every time we go to the clinic. But it wasn't open. We couldn't wait the half hour because it was almost noon and we hadn't eaten. That usually doesn't bug me, I can wait that long but we had been up for seven hours already and that makes a difference. We settled on the only place that was open and that so happened to be IHOP. (international is right) It wasn't horrible. We ordered more food than we needed we soon found out but it was all good. We were happy and relived to be done with attempt one. We were ringing in the waiting period the best way possible (after booze) FOOD.
We hung out at he mall a few hours. Just sitting at a café, so that we could relax our tired selves and mostly let Jenni rest. She wasn't feeling too hot but we had to wait for our ride quite a long time. Since it's so difficult to move through the city we had to chill at my Aunt's Vet Clinic for a few hours before we got to go home. It was already a long day but we had to hang out and loiter. I was prepared for this and brought us each a book.
The clinic is small and we were confined to the front room where there is three seats so patients and owners can wait for service. It seemed to be a slow day for the clinic. Jen was a bit restless and a lot hot and was pacing around and seemed most comfortable when sitting on a bag of dog food. I had to pee real badly but you have to cross into the operating room to get to the washroom. It wasn't in use but I still feel like a bit of an intruder going back there.
Eventually I couldn't help it anymore and braved it when the room was finally empty. Like I said it's a small space. They have the operating table and passed that there's a space where there's a big sink for the washing of fur babies and a narrow black spiral staircase that leads up to where my Aunt keeps the pets she's looking after and then a small bathroom.
On my way back to the front room I looking around the dog wash station for some paper towel to dry my hands with when I heard a THUD sound which was immediately followed by another THUD.  The source of the sound was a little Chihuahua. It wasn't crying as it stumbled down the spiral staircase. It had attempted to walk down but each step is quite steep. They are taller than the little pup could reach. Which had sent the little thing literally (literally used the correct way) flipping down each step, feet forward, flip, ass forward, like cartwheels. He was struggling to catch himself and as soon as he did he feel forward again. I reacted immediately. He feel down like three steps plus the two thuds I heard earlier before I caught him and brought him close to my chest.
He didn't seem hurt but I knew that if he was here he wasn't doing so well. I cradled him and ran over to my aunt, WHO FREAKED OUT BEFORE I HAD A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN.  She told me to hold him away from me and DON'T MOVE. Her and the other Vet were panicked and as they rummaged around frantically looking for something. I tried to say what happened but they weren't listening. My aunt was trying to shove on rubber gloves and the other Vet had located a blanket and was the first to take the poor scared dog out of my hands. Once she did, my aunt instructed that I go to the washroom right away, not to touch anything and to wash my hands as thoroughly as possible. I did as explained not sure what the fuzz was all about but starting to get an idea.
I washed myself as if I was scrubbing up for open heart surgery. I even had to wash my chest since I had held him to my skin and then switch shirts and disinfect anything I touched on my way to wash my hands.
The poor little pup had rabies. He wasn't going to make it. I don't regret grabbing him. Was it stupid of me? Maybe. It is a Veterinarian office and I should not assume anything of the animals there but I couldn't let it happen to the poor boy. He won't make it and maybe my affection was the last he ever feel. His heart was going so fast, he was so frighten. I find myself emotional just thinking of it now. It was such a scene that I never did get a chance to explain myself to my aunt.
It was quite an eventful day. Long for our tired selves. When we made it back to the house I made some Caldo for Jen to make her feel better. It's an amazing traditional soup where you throw any veggie you can imagine into a huge pot and some stewing meat and spices and cilantro and let it cook thoroughly. It's the best remedy for colds and for stress and exactly what I needed. It was delicious and when we tumbled into bed we slept wrapped closely to one another deeply and contently with the sounds of another thunder storm lulling us.