The Big Stuff

Jenni says:

Don't sweat the small stuff so I guess it's ok if I sweat the big stuff, right?

I am a self admitted complete worry-wart. I stress about everything and anything, especially when I'm lying comfortable as big spoon and trying to sleep. I don't really know when it started, but I've always been able to catastrophize almost anything at the drop of a hat. So when I suggested we write about our biggest fears and greatest excitements, I told myself I better not spend the whole time writing about all my fears (what if my feet swell so much I can't buy shoes? What if we have children who hate doing all the things I like doing? What if I didn't pack enough underwear?) etc. Too late for that last one as we are sitting at the gate waiting for our first leg of the trip to Houston, then on to Guatemala.

But my worries are similar to Anai's: the nature of us trying to have kids means that we don't have the luxury of saying "Surprise! We are pregnant!" It also means that instead of waiting 2, 4, 6 weeks to let people know, we might be a few days pregnant. It also means that people will be asking "did it work?" and it might be sad or hard to say no, it didn't. I keep trying to tell myself that 'what if's' aren't something to worry about, but my 3am brain doesn't listen.

I think, though, my biggest, number one, sleep deprivation-causing worry is that I really suck at speaking Spanish. Yeah, I know, this is about baby making, but that part doesn't quite feel real yet. (I say as I sit in an airport...) I have trouble imagining a baby, or two, or it working at all, or what the clinic will be like, or what I will feel finding out if it didn't work... but about five minutes ago a border guard spoke to Anai in Spanish and I felt like a deer in headlights. Ask me to do anything else, but Spanish words coming out of my mouth is akin to public speaking. Naked. On fire. Covered in wasps.

I want so badly to express myself but my vocabulary is that of a two year old. Meeting Anai's family again, I want to be included and talk and chat and at least say the basics, but my panic kicks in and I just can't make words come out, even the fifteen of them that I actually know. So yes, I worry about success rates, and multiples, and health concerns, and safety concerns, but dammit I hate learning languages. Here's hoping some immersion therapy will help.

My biggest excitement is for spending two and a half glorious months with my wife. It's difficult to remember the last time we had this much time with each other without work to get in between. (see previous note of "I stress about everything"; and a huge part of that is that I get very worked up about my job.) I am so excited to have time off, and to spend it with Anai and spending time with her family. I'm excited to get to know them better, despite my kindergarten Spanish level. I'm excited to be moving forward, and taking charge of our lives.

That first step is the hardest and I am so excited to be sitting here and actually doing something, even if we're just waiting for a flight. We've always talked about starting a family and that first step was a doozy. Whatever the outcome, we know we tried, and tried hard.

And I'm also excited to drink some tequila. Better get going, as our first doctor's appointment is Monday! Larulo!