A Most Post

Anaí says:

 

As a departure entry Jenni suggested we talk about what we are most nervous for and what we are most excited for. I agreed, hence intro sentence, and then rolled over and fell asleep. Yes, I do fall asleep that quickly; I assume most little spoons do. We did not discuss it again until now in the car when I said I would start the entry. We are on the way to my sister’s where we will be staying the night before our flight.

I’m in the passenger seat, because this little spoon also isn’t the best driver, or the big spoon is too much of a worry wart. Either way, I am by default the first to admit my fears and shout my enthusiasms. It’s been a few days since Jenni mentioned we should write this post, however somewhere in the whirlwind of laundry, packing and making sure the dog has enough meds, we haven’t discussed it amongst ourselves.

These are usually the things we always discuss. Yes, usually always. The usually is only in there because I don’t know what Big Spoon is most afraid of or if her fears match up with mine. Don’t get me wrong, I know what is making her nervous and what is making her look over to me and toss me a smile every half kilometer or so. It is just that we haven’t attached the word ‘most’ to any of our apprehensions. For whatever reason that matters a lot to me right now.

‘Most’ it feels like whatever her answer to that is the thing I have to work the hardest to prevent and take the longest time to enjoy. I can take a fair guess in saying that ‘most’ of Jenni’s excitement matches mine…. Making babies. GETTING BABIES… BRINING HOME THE BABIES. Of course.

But it is more than that really. Leading up to this entry I thought about it a lot throughout the days, mostly while in the shower and while slicing huge logs of provolone cheese on the meat slicer at work… because that’s my ‘me’ time.

It turns out that I have two sets of ‘most fears’ and two sets of ‘most excited’. One set pertaining to being in Guatemala and the other to our IUI treatments. I’ll start with Guate because I am so ecstatic to see my family. A piece of me lives in that part of the world. Although in recent years I have been back to visit quite often, I haven’t been back on my own. We have always done family trips and with that comes an amount of chaos that has made it hard to have real time to connect. I have been daydreaming about doing crafts and painting with my grandmother and playing cards with my grandfather. I have been wanting them to get to know the woman I married. This is our chance.

The downside is that, while I love Guatemala, its roads scare the living life out of me. Hate hate hate. We will be spending a lot of our so called vacation wedged in between chicken buses, daredevil motorcyclists and no concrete road rules. We have to keep our stress levels low during this process. Which may be difficult when we have to go through that every time we head to an appointment.

From one fear to the next. I am not even afraid of coming back home without a positive pee stick. However if the treatments don’t take, I don’t want to be struggling with our circumstances and have to watch everyone around us deflate when we break the news. We didn’t get pregnant. We would have to have this conversation over and over. To the point that I will more than once have to say, ‘No random friend of a friend, we are not having a child.’ The exchange itself will be awkward and difficult as Jen and I work to transition into Plan B. (Plan B to be discussed later, when I haven’t already rambled on).

It might be silly or irrational for that to be what takes the ‘most’ out of me. But there it is. I believe Jen and I can work with any outcome, therefore I fear very little of what may come our way. I am a firm believer in whatever happened happened. And I can only hope that what happens is our family. I want wave two pee sticks in the air and claim triumphantly that we are both pregnant. I’m most excited for that… yes, the pee stick thing.